永别了,武器(英文版)海明威著-第18部分

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nd　a　dressing…gown；　pulled　down　the　curtains　on　the　door　that　opened　onto　the　balcony　and　sitting　up　in　bed　read　Boston　papers　from　a　pile　Mrs。　Meyers　had　left　for　her　boys　at　the　hospital。　The　Chicago　White　Sox　were　winning　the　American　League　pennant　and　the　New　York　Giants　were　leading　the　National　League。　Babe　Ruth　was　a　pitcher　then　playing　for　Boston。　The　papers　were　dull；　the　news　was　local　and　stale；　and　the　war　news　was　all　old。　The　American　news　was　all　training　camps。　I　was　glad　I　wasn't　in　a　training　camp。　The　baseball　news　was　all　I　could　read　and　I　did　not　have　the　slightest　interest　in　it。　A　number　of　papers　together　made　it　impossible　to　read　with　interest。　It　was　not　very　timely　but　I　read　at　it　for　a　while。　I　wondered　if　America　really　got　into　the　war；　if　they　would　close　down　the　major　leagues。　They　probably　wouldn't。　There　was　still　racing　in　Milan　and　the　war　could　not　be　much　worse。　They　had　stopped　racing　in　France。　That　was　where　our　horse　Japalac　came　from。　Catherine　was　not　due　on　duty　until　nine　o'clock。　I　heard　her　passing　along　the　floor　when　she　first　came　on　duty　and　once　saw　her　pass　in　the　hall。　She　went　to　several　other　rooms　and　finally　came　into　mine。
〃I'm　late；　darling；〃　she　said。　〃There　was　a　lot　to　do。　How　are　you？〃
I　told　her　about　my　papers　and　the　leave。
〃That's　lovely；〃　she　said。　〃Where　do　you　want　to　go？〃
〃Nowhere。　I　want　to　stay　here。〃
〃That's　silly。　You　pick　a　place　to　go　and　I'll　e　too。〃
〃How　will　you　work　it？〃
〃I　don't　know。　But　I　will。〃
〃You're　pretty　wonderful。〃
〃No　I'm　not。　But　life　isn't　hard　to　manage　when　you've　nothing　to　lose。〃
〃How　do　you　mean？〃
〃Nothing。　I　was　only　thinking　how　small　obstacles　seemed　that　once　were　so　big。〃
〃I　should　think　it　might　be　hard　to　manage。〃
〃No　it　won't；　darling。　If　necessary　I'll　simply　leave。　But　it　won't　e　to　that。〃
〃Where　should　we　go？〃
〃I　don't　care。　Anywhere　you　want。　Anywhere　we　don't　know　people。〃
〃Don't　you　care　where　we　go？〃
〃No。　I'll　like　any　place。〃
She　seemed　upset　and　taut。
〃What's　the　matter；　Catherine？〃
〃Nothing。　Nothing's　the　matter。〃
〃Yes　there　is。〃
〃No　nothing。　Really　nothing。〃
〃I　know　there　is。　Tell　me；　darling。　You　can　tell　me。〃
〃It's　nothing。〃
〃Tell　me。〃
〃I　don't　want　to。　I'm　afraid　I'll　make　you　unhappy　or　worry　you。〃
〃No　it　won't。〃
〃You're　sure？　It　doesn't　worry　me　but　I'm　afraid　to　worry　you。〃
〃It　won't　if　it　doesn't　worry　you。〃
〃I　don't　want　to　tell。〃
〃Tell　it。〃
〃Do　I　have　to？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃I'm　going　to　have　a　baby；　darling。　It's　almost　three　months　along。　You're　not　worried；　are　you？　Please　please　don't。　You　mustn't　worry。〃
〃All　right。〃
〃Is　it　all　right？〃
〃Of　course。〃
〃I　did　everything。　I　took　everything　but　it　didn't　make　any　difference。〃
〃I'm　not　worried。〃
〃I　couldn't　help　it；　darling；　and　I　haven't　worried　about　it。　You　mustn't　worry　or　feel　badly。〃
〃I　only　worry　about　you。〃
〃That's　it。　That's　what　you　mustn't　do。　People　have　babies　all　the　time。　Everybody　has　babies。　It's　a　natural　thing。〃
〃You're　pretty　wonderful。〃
〃No　I'm　not。　But　you　mustn't　mind；　darling。　I'll　try　and　not　make　trouble　for　you。　I　know　I've　made　trouble　now。　But　haven't　I　been　a　good　girl　until　now？　You　never　knew　it；　did　you？〃
〃No。〃
〃It　will　all　be　like　that。　You　simply　mustn't　worry。　I　can　see　you're　worrying。　Stop　it。　Stop　it　right　away。　Wouldn't　you　like　a　drink；　darling？　I　know　a　drink　always　makes　you　feel　cheerful。〃
〃No。　I　feel　cheerful。　And　you're　pretty　wonderful。〃
〃No　I'm　not。　But　I'll　fix　everything　to　be　together　if　you　pick　out　a　place　for　us　to　go。　It　ought　to　be　lovely　in　October。　We'll　have　a　lovely　time；　darling；　and　I'll　write　you　every　day　while　you're　at　the　front。〃
〃Where　will　you　be？〃
〃I　don't　know　yet。　But　somewhere　splendid。　I'll　look　after　all　that。〃
We　were　quiet　awhile　and　did　not　talk。　Catherine　was　sitting　on　the　bed　and　I　was　looking　at　her　but　we　did　not　touch　each　other。　We　were　apart　as　when　some　one　es　into　a　room　and　people　are　self…conscious。　She　put　out　her　hand　and　took　mine。
〃You　aren't　angry　are　you；　darling？〃
〃No。〃
〃And　you　don't　feel　trapped？〃
〃Maybe　a　little。　But　not　by　you。〃
〃I　didn't　mean　by　me。　You　mustn't　be　stupid。　I　meant　trapped　at　all。〃
〃You　always　feel　trapped　biologically。〃
She　went　away　a　long　way　without　stirring　or　removing　her　hand。
〃'Always'　isn't　a　pretty　word。〃
〃I'm　sorry。〃
〃It's　all　right。　But　you　see　I've　never　had　a　baby　and　I've　never　even　loved　any　one。　And　I've　tried　to　be　the　way　you　wanted　and　then　you　talk　about　'always。〃
〃I　could　cut　off　my　tongue；〃　I　offered。
〃Oh；　darling！〃　she　came　back　from　wherever　she　had　been。　〃You　mustn't　mind　me。〃　We　were　both　together　again　and　the　self…consciousness　was　gone。　〃We　really　are　the　same　one　and　we　mustn't　misunderstand　on　purpose。〃
〃We　won't。〃
〃But　people　do。　They　love　each　other　and　they　misunderstand　on　purpose　and　they　fight　and　then　suddenly　they　aren't　the　same　one。〃
〃We　won't　fight。〃
〃We　mustn't。　Because　there's　only　us　two　and　in　the　world　there's　all　the　rest　of　them。　If　anything　es　between　us　we're　gone　and　then　they　have　us。〃
〃They　won't　get　us；〃　I　said。　〃Because　you're　too　brave。　Nothing　ever　happens　to　the　brave。〃
〃They　die　of　course。〃
〃But　only　once。〃
〃I　don't　know。　Who　said　that？〃
〃The　coward　dies　a　thousand　deaths；　the　brave　but　one？〃
〃Of　course。　Who　said　it？〃
〃I　don't　know。〃
〃He　was　probably　a　coward；〃　she　said。　〃He　knew　a　great　deal　about　cowards　but　nothing　about　the　brave。　The　brave　dies　perhaps　two　thousand　deaths　if　he's　intelligent。　He　simply　doesn't　mention　them。〃
〃I　don't　know。　It's　hard　to　see　inside　the　head　of　the　brave。〃
〃Yes。　That's　how　they　keep　that　way。〃
〃You're　an　authority。〃
〃You're　right；　darling。　That　was　deserved。〃
〃You're　brave。〃
〃No；〃　she　said。　〃But　I　would　like　to　be。〃
〃I'm　not；〃　I　said。　〃I　know　where　I　stand。　I've　been　out　long　enough　to　know。　I'm　like　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty　and　knows　he's　no　better。〃
〃What　is　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty？　It's　awfully　impressive。〃
〃It's　not。　It　means　a　mediocre　hitter　in　baseball。〃
〃But　still　a　hitter；〃　she　prodded　me。
〃I　guess　we're　both　conceited；〃　I　said。　〃But　you　are　brave。〃
〃No。　But　I　hope　to　be。〃
〃We're　both　brave；〃　I　said。　〃And　I'm　very　brave　when　I've　had　a　drink。〃
〃We're　splendid　people；〃　Catherine　said。　She　went　over　to　the　armoire　and　brought　me　the　cognac　and　a　glass。　〃Have　a　drink；　darling；〃　she　said。　〃You've　been　awfully　good。〃
〃I　don't　really　want　one。〃
〃Take　one。〃
〃All　right。〃　I　poured　the　water　glass　a　third　full　of　cognac　and　drank　it　off。
〃That　was　very　big；〃　she　said。　〃I　know　brandy　is　for　heroes。　But　you　shouldn't　exaggerate。〃
〃Where　will　we　live　after　the　war？〃
〃In　an　old　people's　home　probably；〃　she　said。　〃For　three　years　I　looked　forward　very　childishly　to　the　war　ending　at　Christmas。　But　now　I　look　forward　till　when　our　son　will　be　a　lieutenant　mander。〃
〃Maybe　he'll　be　a　general。〃
〃If　it's　an　hundred　years'　war　he'll　have　time　to　try　both　of　the　services。〃
〃Don't　you　want　a　drink？〃
〃No。　It　always　makes　you　happy；　darling；　and　it　only　makes　me　dizzy。〃
〃Didn't　you　ever　drink　brandy？〃
〃No；　darling。　I'm　a　very　old…fashioned　wife。〃
I　reached　down　to　the　floor　for　the　bottle　and　poured　another　drink。
〃I'd　better　go　to　have　a　look　at　your　patriots；〃　Catherine　said。　〃Perhaps　you'll　read　the　papers　until　I　e　back。〃
〃Do　you　have　to　go？〃
〃Now　or　later。〃
〃All　right。　Now。〃
〃I'll　e　back　later。〃
〃I'll　have　finished　the　papers；〃　I　said。




22


It　turned　cold　that　night　and　the　next　day　it　was　raining。　ing　home　from　the　Ospedale　Maggiore　it　rained　very　hard　and　I　was　wet　when　I　came　in。　Up　in　my　room　the　rain　was　ing　down　heavily　outside　on　the　balcony；　and　the　wind　blew　it　against　the　glass　doors。　I　changed　my　clothing　and　drank　some　brandy　but　the　brandy　did　not　taste　good。　I　felt　sick　in　the　night　and　in　the　morning　after　breakfast　I　was　nauseated。
〃There　is　no　doubt　about　it；〃　the　house　surgeon　said。　〃Look　at　the　whites　of　his　eyes；　Miss。〃
Miss　Gage　looked。　They　had　me　look　in　a　glass。　The　whites　of　the　eyes　were　yellow　and　it　was　the　jaundice。　I　was　sick　for　two　weeks　with　it。　For　that　reason　we　did　not　spend　a　convalescent　leave　together。　We　had　planned　to　go　to　Pallanza　on　Lago　Maggiore。　It　is　nice　there　in　the　fall　when　the　leaves　turn。　There　are　walks　you　can　take　and　you　can　troll　for　trout　in　the　lake。　It　would　have　been　better　than　Stresa　because　there　are　fewer　people　at　Pallanza。　Stresa　is　so　easy　to　get　to　from　Milan　that　there　are　always　people　you　know。　There　is　a　nice　village　at　Pallanza　and　you　can　row　out　to　the　islands　where　the　fishermen　live　and　there　is　a　restaurant　on　the　biggest　island。　But　we　did　not　go。
One　day　while　I　was　in　bed　with　jaundice　Miss　Van　Campen　came　in　the　room；　opened　the　door　into　the　armoire　and　saw　the　empty　bottles　there。　I　had　sent　a　load　of　them　down　by　the　porter　and　I　believe　she　must　have　seen　them　going　out　and　e　up　to　find　some　more。　They　were　mostly　vermouth　bottles；　marsala　bottles；　capri　bottles；　empty　chianti　flasks　and　a　few　cognac　bottles。　The　porter　had　carried　out　the　large　bottles；　those　that　had　held　vermouth；　and　the　straw…covered　chianti　flasks；　and　left　the　brandy　bottles　for　the　last。　It　was　the　brandy　bottles　and　a　bottle　shaped　like　a　bear；　which　had　held　k黰mel；　that　Miss　Van　Campen　found。　The　bear　shaped　bottle　enraged　her　particularly。　She　held　it　up；　the　bear　was　sitting　up　on　his　haunches　with　his　paws　up；　there　was　a　cork　in　his　glass　head　and　a　few　sticky　crystals　at　the　bottom。　I　laughed。
〃It　is　k黰mel；〃　I　said。　〃The　best　k黰mel　es　in　those　bearshaped　bottles。　It　es　from　Russia。〃
〃Those　are　all　brandy　bottles；　aren't　they？〃　Miss　Van　Campen　asked。
〃I　can't　see　them　all；〃　I　said。　〃But　they　probably　are。〃
〃How　long　has　this　been　going　on？〃
〃I　bought　them　and　brought　them　in　myself；〃　I　said。　〃I　have　had　Italian　officers　visit　me　frequently　and　I　have　kept　brandy　to　offer　them。〃
〃You　haven't　been　drinking　it　yourself？〃　she　said。
〃I　have　also　drunk　it　myself。〃
〃Brandy；〃　she　said。　〃Eleven　empty　bottles　of　brandy　and　that　bear　liquid。〃
〃K黰mel。〃
〃I　will　send　for　some　one　to　take　them　away。　Those　are　all　the　empty　bottles　you　have？〃
〃For　the　moment。〃
〃And　I　was　pitying　you　having　jaundice。　Pity　is　something　that　is　wasted　on　you。〃
〃Thank　you。〃
〃I　suppose　you　can't　be　blamed　for　not　wanting　to　go　back　to　the　front。　But　I　should　think　you　would　try　something　more　intelligent　than　producing　jaundice　with　alcoholism。〃
〃With　what？〃
〃With　alcoholism。　You　heard　me　say　it。〃　I　did　not　say　anything。　〃Unless　you　find　something　else　I'm　afraid　you　will　have　to　go　back　to　the　front　when　you　are　through　with　your　jaundice。　I　don't　believe　self…inflicted　jaundice　entitles　you　to　a　convalescent　leave。〃
〃You　don't？〃
〃I　do　not。〃
〃Have　you　ever　had　jaundice；　Miss　Van　Campen？〃
〃No；　but　I　have　seen　a　great　deal　of　it。〃
〃You　noticed　how　the　patients　enjoyed　it？〃
〃I　suppose　it　is　better　than　the　front。〃
〃Miss　Van　Campen；〃　I　said；　〃did　you　ever　know　a　man　who　tried　to　disable　himself　by　kicking　himself　in　the　scrotum？〃
Miss　Van　Campen　ignored　the　actual　question。　She　had　to　ignore　it　or　leave　the　room。　She　was　not