dk.solesurvivor-第34部分

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；　you　see；　so　sleepy。　And　maybe　in　shock　a　little　from　the　car　rolling　over。　Not　hurt；　mind　you。　Not　a　mark　on　her。　But　her　little　face　was　as　white　and　shiny　as　candle　wax。　Heavy…eyed　and　not　really　with　us。　Half　in　a　sort　of　trance。　I　worried　about　her；　but　Rachel　said　she　was　okay；　and　Rachel　was　a　doctor；　after　all；　so　then　I　didn't　worry　about　it　that　much。　The　little　doll　slept　in　the　car　all　the　way　to　Pueblo。'
　　Mercy　rolled　a　ball　of　dough　between　her　palms。　She　put　the　pale　sphere　on　a　baking　sheet　and　flattened　it　slightly　with　the　gentle　pressure　of　her　thumb。
　　'Rachel　had　been　to　Colorado　Springs　to　visit　family　for　the　weekend；　and　she'd　taken　Nina　with　her　because　Nina's　dad　and　mom　were　on　an　anniversary　cruise。　At　least　that's　how　I　understood　it。'
　　Mercy　began　to　fill　a　brown　paper　lunch　bag　with　the　cooled　cookies　that　were　stacked　on　the　platter。
　　'Not　the　usual　thing…I　mean；　a　black　doctor　and　a　white　doctor　in　practice　together　in　these　parts；　and　not　usual；　either；　to　see　a　black　woman　with　a　white　child　around　here。　But　I　take　all　that　to　mean　the　world's　getting　to　be　a　better　place　at　last；　more　tolerant；　more　loving。'
　　She　folded　the　top　of　the　bag　twice　and　handed　it　to　Barbara。
　　'Thank　you；　Mercy。'
　　To　Joe；　Mercy　Ealing　said；　'I'm　sure　sorry　I　couldn't　be　more　help　to　you。'
　　'You've　been　a　lot　of　help；'　he　assured　her。　He　smiled。　'And　there's　cookies。'
　　She　looked　toward　the　kitchen　window　that　was　on　the　side　of　the　house　rather　than　on　the　back　of　it。　One　of　the　stables　was　visible　through　the　pall　of　rain。
　　She　said；　'A　good　cookie　does　lift　the　spirit；　doesn't　it？　But！　sure　wish　I　could　do　more　than　make　cookies　for　Jeff　today。　He　dearly　loves　that　mare。'
　　Glancing　at　the　calendar　with　the　religious　theme；　Joe　said；　'How　do　you　hold　onto　your　faith；　Mercy？　How　in　a　world　with　so　much　death；　planes　falling　out　of　the　sky　and　favourite　mares　being　taken　for　no　reason？'
　　She　didn't　seem　surprised　or　offended　by　the　question。　'I　don't　know。　Sometimes　it's　hard；　isn't　it？　I　used　to　be　so　angry　that　we　couldn't　have　kids。　I　was　working　at　some　record　for　miscarriages；　and　then　I　just　gave　up。　You　want　to　scream　at　the　sky　sometimes。　And　there's　nights　you　lie　awake。　But　then　I　think。　well；　this　life　has　its　joys　too。　And；　anyway；　it's　nothing　but　a　place　we　have　to　pass　through　on　our　way　to　somewhere　better。　If　we　live　forever；　it　doesn't　matter　so　much　what　happens　to　us　here。'
　　Joe　had　been　hoping　for　a　more　interesting　answer。　Insightful。　Penetrating。　Homespun　wisdom。　Something　he　could　believe。
　　He　said；　'The　mare　will　matter　to　Jeff。　And　it　matters　to　you　because　it　matters　so　much　to　him。'
　　Picking　up　another　lump　of　dough；　rolling　it　into　a　pale　moon；　a　tiny　planet；　she　smiled　and　said；　'Oh；　if　I　understood　it；　Joe；　then
　　I　wouldn't　be　me。　I'd　be　God。　And　that's　a　job　I　sure　wouldn't　want。'
　　'How　so？'
　　'It's　got　to　be　even　sadder　than　our　end　of　things；　don't　you　think？　He　knows　our　potential　but　has　to　watch　us　forever　falling　short；　all　the　cruel　things　we　do　to　one　another；　the　hatred　and　the　lies；　the　envy　and　greed　and　the　endless　coveting。　We　see　only　the　ugliness　people　do　to　those　around　us；　but　He　sees　it　all。　The　seat　He's　in　has　a　sadder　view　than　ours。'
　　She　put　the　ball　of　dough　on　the　cookie　sheet　and　impressed　upon　it　the　mark　of　her　thumb：　a　moment　of　pleasure　waiting　to　be　baked；　to　be　eaten；　to　lift　the　spirit。
　　
　　The　veterinarian's　Jeep　station　wagon　was　still　in　the　driveway；　parked　in　front　of　the　Explorer。　A　Weimaraner　was　lying　in　the　back　of　the　vehicle。　As　Joe　and　Barbara　climbed　into　the　Ford　and　slammed　the　doors；　the　dog　raised　its　noble　silver…grey　head　and　stared　at　them　through　the　rear　window　of　the　Jeep。
　　By　the　time　that　Barbara　slipped　the　key　into　the　ignition　and　started　the　Explorer；　the　humid　air　filled　with　the　aromas　of　oatmeal…chocolate…chip　cookies　and　damp　denim。　The　windshield　quickly　clouded　with　the　condensation　of　their　breath。
　　'If　it's　Nina；　your　Nina；'　Barbara　said；　waiting　for　the　air…conditioner　to　clear　the　glass；　'then　where　has　she　been　for　this　whole　year？'
　　'With　Rose　Tucker　somewhere。'
　　And　why　would　Rose　keep　your　daughter　from　you？　Why　such　awful　cruelty？'
　　'It's　not　cruelty。　You　hit　on　the　answer　yourself；　out　there　on　the　back　porch。'
　　'Why　do　I　suspect　the　only　time　you　listen　to　me　is　when　I'm　full　of　shit？'
　　Joe　said；　'Somehow；　since　Nina　survived　with　Rose；　survived　because　of　Rose；　now　Rose's　enemies　will　want　Nina　too。　If　Nina　had　been　sent　home　to　me；　she'd　have　been　a　target。　Rose　is　just　keeping　her　safe。'
　　The　pearly　condensation　retreated　toward　the　edges　of　the　windshield。
　　Barbara　switched　on　the　wipers。
　　From　the　rear　window　of　the　Jeep　Cherokee；　the　Weimaraner　still　watched　them　without　getting　to　its　feet。　Its　eyes　were　luminous　amber。
　　'Rose　is　keeping　her　safe；'　he　repeated。　'That's　why　I've　got　to　learn　everything　I　can　about　Flight　353　and　stay　alive　long　enough　to　find　a　way　to　break　the　story　wide　open。　When　it's　exposed；　when　the　bastards　behind　all　of　this　are　ruined　and　on　their　way　to　prison　or　the　gas　chamber；　then　Rose　will　be　safe　and　Nina　can　。　。　。　she　can　e　back　to　me。'
　　'If　this　Nina　is　your　Nina；'　she　reminded　him。
　　'If　she　is；　yes。'
　　Under　the　sombre　yellow　gaze　of　the　dog；　they　swung　past　the　Cherokee　and　circled　the　oval　bed　of　blue　and　purple　delphiniums　around　which　the　terminus　of　the　driveway　turned。
　　'You　think　we　should　have　asked　Mercy　to　help　us　find　the　house　in　Pueblo　where　she　dropped　Rose　and　the　girl　that　night？'　Barbara　wondered。
　　'No　point。　Nothing　there　for　us。　They　never　went　inside　that　house。　As　soon　as　Mercy　drove　out　of　sight；　they　moved　on。　Rose　was　just　using　Mercy　to　reach　the　nearest　sizable　town；　where　she　could　get　transportation；　maybe　call　a　trusted　friend　in　Los　Angeles　or　somewhere。　How　large　is　Pueblo？'
　　About　a　hundred　thousand　people。'
　　'That's　large　enough。　Plenty　of　ways　in　and　out　of　a　city　that　size。　Bus；　maybe　train；　rental　car；　even　by　air。'
　　As　they　headed　down　the　gravel　driveway　toward　the　paved　road；　Joe　saw　three　men　in　hooded　rain　slickers　exiting　a　stable　stall　beyond　an　exercise　yard。　Jeff　Ealing；　Ned；　and　the　veterinarian。
　　They　left　both　the　lower　and　upper　halves　of　the　Dutch　door　standing　open。　No　horse　followed　them。
　　Huddled　against　the　downpour；　heads　bowed　as　if　they　were　a　procession　of　monks；　they　moved　toward　the　house。　No　clairvoyance　was　required　to　know　that　their　shoulders　were　slumped　not　only　under　the　weight　of　the　storm　but　under　the　weight　of　defeat。
　　Now　a　call　to　the　knackery。　A　beloved　mare　to　be　transported　and　rendered。　Another　summer　afternoon　on　the　Loose　Change　Ranch…never　to　be　forgotten。
　　Joe　hoped　that　the　years；　the　toil；　and　the　miscarriages　had　not　caused　any　distance　to　open　between　Jeff　and　Mercy　Ealing。　He　hoped　that　in　the　night　they　still　held　each　other。
　　The　grey　storm　light　was　so　dim　that　Barbara　switched　on　the　headlights。　In　those　twin　beams；　as　they　reached　the　paved　highway；　the　silvery　rain　glittered　like　flensing　knives。
　　
　　In　Colorado　Springs；　a　network　of　shallow　lakes　had　formed　on　the　grammar…school　playground　next　to　which　Joe　had　parked　his　rental　car。　In　the　grey…rinsed　light；　rising　from　the　rain…dimpled　water；　the　jungle　gyms　and　the　seesaws　and　the　elaborate　swing　sets　appeared　strange　to　Joe；　not　at　all　like　what　they　were；　but　like　a　steel…pipe　Stonehenge　more　mysterious　even　than　the　ancient　rock　megaliths　and　trilithons　on　England's　Salisbury　Plain。
　　Everywhere　he　turned　his　eyes　now；　this　world　was　different　from　the　one　that　he　had　inhabited　all　his　life。　The　change　had　begun　the　previous　day；　when　he'd　gone　to　the　cemetery。　Ever　since；　a　shift　seemed　to　be　progressing　with　gathering　power　and　speed；　as　though　the　world　of　Einsteinian　laws　had　intersected　with　a　universe　where　the　rules　of　energy　and　matter　were　so　different　as　to　baffle　the　wisest　mathematicians　and　the　proudest　physicists。
　　This　new　reality　was　both　more　piercingly　beautiful　and　more　fearsome　than　the　one　that　it　replaced。　He　knew　the　change　was　subjective　and　would　never　reverse　itself。　Nothing　this　side　of　death　would　ever　again　seem　simple　to　him；　the　smoothest　surface　hid　unknowable　depths　and　plexities。
　　Barbara　stopped　in　the　street　beside　his　rental　car；　two　blocks　from　her　house。　'Well。　I　guess　this　is　as　far　as　we　go。'
　　'Thank　you；　Barbara。　You've　taken　such　risks…'
　　'I　don't　want　you　to　worry　about　that。　You　hear　me？　It　was　my　decision。'
　　'If　not　for　your　kindness　and　your　courage；　I'd　never　have　had　a　hope　of　getting　to　the　bottom　of　this。　Today　you've　opened　a　door　for　me。'
　　'But　a　door　to　what？'　she　worried。
　　'Maybe　to　Nina。'
　　Barbara　looked　weary　and　frightened　and　sad。　She　wiped　one　hand　across　her　face；　and　then　she　looked　only　frightened　and　sad。
　　'Joe；　you　keep　my　voice　in　your　head。　Wherever　you　go　from　here；　you　remember　to　listen　for　me　at　the　back　of　your　mind。　I'll　be　an　old　nag；　telling　you　that　even　if　two　people　somehow　came　out　of　that　crash　alive；　it's　damn　unlikely　that　one　of　them　is　your　Nina。　Don't　swing　the　sword　on　yourself；　don't　you　be　the　one　to　cut　yourself　off　at　the　knees。'
　　He　nodded。
　　'Promise　me；'　she　said。
　　'Promise。'
　　'She's　gone；　Joe。'
　　'Maybe。'
　　'Armour　your　heart。'
　　'We'll　see。'
　　'Better　go；'　she　said。
　　He　opened　the　door　and　got　out　into　the　rain。
　　'Good　luck；'　Barbara　said。
　　'Thanks。'
　　He　slammed　the　door；　and　she　drove　away。
　　As　he　unlocked　his　rental　car；　Joe　heard　the　Explorer's　brakes　bark　less　than　half　a　block　away。　When　he　looked　up；　the　Ford　was　reversing　toward　him；　its　red　taillights　shimmering　on　the　slick　blacktop。
　　She　got　out　of　the　Explorer；　came　to　him；　put　her　arms　around　him；　and　held　him　tightly。　'You're　a　dear　man；　Joe　Carpenter。'
　　He　embraced　her　too；　but　no　words　came　to　him。　He　remembered　how　badly　he　had　wanted　to　strike　her　when　she　had　pressed　him　to　forsake　the　idea　that　Nina　might　be　alive。　He　was　ashamed　by　the　hatred　that　he　had　felt　for　her　then；　ashamed　and　confused
　　…　but　he　was　also　touched　by　her　friendship；　which　meant　more　to　him　now　than　he　could　have　imagined　when　he　first　rang　her　doorbell。
　　'How　can　I　have　known　you　only　a　few　short　hours；'　she　wondered；　'and　feel　as　if　you're　my　son？'
　　She　left　him　for　the　second　time。
　　He　got　into　his　car　as　she　drove　away。
　　He　watched　the　dwindling　Explorer　in　the　rear…view　mirror　until　it　turned　left　into　Barbara's　driveway；　two　blocks　behind　him；　and　disappeared　into　her　garage。
　　Across　the　street；　the　white　trunks　of　the　paper　birches　glowed　like　painted　doorjambs；　the　deep　moody　shadows　between　like　open　doors　to　futures　best　left　unvisited。
　　
　　Soaked；　he　drove　back　to　Denver　with　no　regard　for　the　speed　limit；　alternately　using　the　heater　and　the　air…conditioner；　trying　to　dry　out　his　clothes。
　　He　was　electrified　by　the　prospect　of　finding　Nina。
　　In　spite　of　what　he　had　said　to　Barbara；　in　spite　of　what　he　had　promised　her；　he　knew　that　Nina　was　alive。　One　thing　in　this　eerily　altered