cb.coldheart canyon-第57部分

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s　in　that　place。
　 〃What　do　you　want　me　to　do？〃　he　asked　her。
　 〃e　back　up　to　the　Canyon；〃　she　said。
　 That　was　the　end　of　the　dream；　at　least　as　he　remembered　it　when　he　woke。　The　image　of　her　body　covered　with　snails　disgusted　him；　of　course；　especially　its　sexual　details。　Had　she　conjured　that；　in　dispatching　this　dream；　or　had　he　dug　it　out　of　the　recesses　of　his　own　sub…conscious？　Whichever　it　was；　it　had　done　its　duty：　making　certain　he　understood　the　pitiful　state　she　was　in。
　
　 All　through　the　following　day；　as　he　went　about　his　chores…down　to　the　market；　back　from　the　market；　cooking　himself　chicken；　eating　the　chicken；　washing　the　plate　from　which　he'd　eaten　the　chicken；　talking　with　Luis；　who　lived　below；　about　how　the　apartments　all　needed　painting；　and　who　was　going　to　talk　to　the　manager　because　it　had　to　be　done　soon；　and　so　on；　and　so　forth…through　all　of　this　he　kept　thinking　about　the　dream；　and　whether　it　was　really　trying　to　tell　him　something　or　not。　Out　of　the　blue；　he　said　to　Luis：　〃Do　you　believe　in　dreams？〃
　 Luis；　who　was　a　plump；　amicable　man　who'd　been　in　Christopher　Street　the　night　of　the　Stonewall　riots；　in　full　drag；　or　so　he　claimed。　〃Like　how？〃　he　said。　〃Give　me　an　example。〃
　 〃Like：　you　have　a　dream　and　it　seems　like　it's　telling　you　something。〃
　 〃Oh　yeah。　I've　had　those。〃
　 〃And　were　they？〃
　 〃Like　I　had　a　dream　in　which　my　mother　told　me　to　get　out　of　this　relationship　I　was　in　with　a　guy。　I　don't　know　if　you　met　him。　Ronnie？〃
　 〃I　remember　Ronnie。〃
　 〃Well　he　was　a　sonofabitch。　He　used　to　beat　me　up；　he'd　get　drunk　on　tequila　and　beat　me　up。〃
　 〃What's　this　got　to　do　with　the　dream？〃
　 〃I　told　you：　my　mother　said　throw　him　out。　In　the　dream。　She　said　throw　him　out　or　he'll　kill　you。〃
　 〃What　did　you　do？〃
　 〃I　threw　him　out。　I　mean；　I　was　ready　to　do　it　anyhow。　The　dream　just　confirmed　what　I'd　been　feeling。〃
　 〃Did　he　just　go？〃
　 〃No。　He　got　physical；　and　we　ended　up　fighting　and…〃　Luis　pulled　up　his　sleeve；　exposing　a　six　inch　scar；　pale　against　his　mocha　skin。　〃It　got　nasty。〃
　 〃He　did　that？〃
　 〃We　were　fighting。　And　I　fell　on　a　glass…topped　coffee…table。　I　needed　sixteen　stitches。　By　the　time　I　got　back　from　the　hospital；　the　motherfucker　had　gone。　He'd　taken　all　my　shoes。　And　they　weren't　even　his　size。〃
　 〃So　you　do　believe　in　dreams？〃
　 〃Sure　I　believe。　Why'd　you　want　to　know？〃
　 〃I'm　trying　to　figure　something　out。〃
　 〃Well；　you　want　my　opinion？　Dreams　can　be　useful　doing　that　sometimes。　Then　again；　sometimes　they're　full　of　shit。　It　depends　on　the　dream。　You　know　how　I　know？　My　Momma　got　really　sick　with　pneumonia；　and　she　was　in　the　hospital　in　New　York。　And　I　had　this　dream；　and　she　was　telling　me　she　was　fine；　there　was　no　need　to　spend　the　money　and　fly　out　East；　because　she　was　going　to　get　better。　Next　day；　she　was　dead。〃
　
　 Jerry　went　back　to　his　apartment　and　thought　about　his　dream　some　more；　and　about　what　Luis　had　said。　Gradually；　it　crept　up　on　him　why　he　was　being　so　reluctant　about　the　decision。　He　was　afraid　that　if　he　went　up　to　（if　he　sided　with　Katya；　knowing　her　capacity　for　cruelty）；　it　would　be　the　end　of　him。　He'd　seen　so　many　movies　in　which　the　queen　ended　up　dead　in　the　second　act；　superfluous　to　the　real　heart　of　the　story。　Wasn't　that　him？　Hadn't　he　lived　his　life　at　the　edge　of　Katya's　grand　drama；　never　important　enough　to　be　at　the　heart　of　things？　If　events　in　were　indeed　ing　to　an　end…as　it　seemed　they　were…then　what　was　the　likelihood　of　his　surviving　to　the　final　reel？　Little　or　none。
　 And　yet；　if　this　was　the　inescapable　truth　of　his　life；　then　why　fight　it？　Why　lock　himself　away　in　his　little　apartment；　watching　game…shows　and　eating　frozen　dinners　for　one；　when　the　only　drama　he'd　ever　really　been　a　part　of　was　playing　out　to　its　conclusion　twenty　minutes'　drive　away？　Wasn't　that　just　throwing　more　time　away：　waste　on　waste？
　 Damn　it；　he　would　go。　He'd　obey　the　summons　of　the　dream；　and　go　back　to　Coldheart　Canyon。
　 This　course　determined；　he　set　about　preparing　himself　for　an　audience　with　the　Lady　Katya。　He　chose　something　elegant　to　wear　（she　liked　an　elegant　man；　she'd　heard　him　once　say）；　his　linen　suit；　his　best　Italian　shoes；　a　silk　tie　he'd　bought　in　Barcelona；　to　add　just　a　touch　of　color　to　the　otherwise　subdued　ensemble。　With　his　clothes　chosen；　he　showered　and　shaved　and　then…having　worked　up　a　bit　of　a　sweat　shaving…showered　again。
　 It　was　late　afternoon　by　the　time　he　started　to　get　dressed。　It　would　soon　be　cocktail　hour　up　in　Coldheart　Canyon。　Tonight；　at　least；　Katya　would　not　have　to　drink　alone。
　
　
　TWO
　 About　the　time　Jerry　Brahms　had　been　waking　up　from　his　dream　of　Katya　and　the　snails…which　is　to　say；　just　half　an　hour　before　dawn…Tammy　and　Todd　were　slipping…'quietly；　quietly；'　she　kept　saying…into　the　little　hotel　where　Tammy　had　been　staying。　The　last　few　days　had　provided　Tammy　with　a　notable　range　of　unlikely　experiences　but　surely　this　was　up　there　amongst　the　weirdest　of　them…tip…toeing　along　the　corridor　of　her　two…star　hotel　with　one　of　the　most　famous　celebrities　in　the　world　in　tow；　telling　him　to　hush　whenever　his　heel　squeaked　on　a　board。
　 〃The　room's　chaos；〃　she　warned　him　as　she　let　him　in。　〃I'm　not　a　very　tidy　person。。。〃
　 〃I　don't　care　what　it　looks　like；〃　Todd　said；　his　voice　so　drained　by　exhaustion　it　had　no　color　left　in　it　whatsoever。　〃I　just　want　to　piss　and　sleep。〃
　 He　went　directly　into　the　bathroom；　and　without　bothering　to　close　the　door；　unzipped　and　urinated　like　a　racehorse；　just　as　though　the　two　of　them　had　been　married　for　years　and　he　didn't　give　a　damn　about　the　niceties。　Telling　herself　she　shouldn't　be　taking　a　peek；　Tammy　did　so　anyway。　Where　was　the　harm？　He　was　bigger　than　Arnie；　by　a　couple　of　sizes。　He　shook　himself；　wetting　the　seat　（just　like　Arnie）　and　went　to　the　sink　to　wash；　splashing　water　on　his　face　in　a　half…hearted　fashion。
　 〃I　keep　thinking…〃　he　called　through　to　her。　〃Can　you　hear　me？〃
　 〃Yes；　I　can　hear　you　fine。〃
　 〃I　keep　thinking　this　is　all　a　dream　and　I'm　going　to　wake　up。〃　He　turned　the　water　off　and　came　to　the　door；　towel　in　hand。　He　patted　his　wounded　face　dry；　very　gently。　〃But　then　I　think：　if　this　was　a　dream　when　did　it　begin？　When　I　first　saw　Katya？　Or　when　I　first　went　up　to　Coldheart　Canyon？　Or　when　I　woke　up　from　the　operation；　and　it　had　all　gone　wrong？〃
　 He　tossed　the　towel　onto　the　floor　of　the　bathroom；　something　else　Arnie　always　did。　It　used　to　irritate　the　hell　out　of　Tammy；　forever　chasing　around　after　her　spouse；　picking　up　stuff　he'd　dropped：　towels　in　the　bathroom；　socks　and　skid…marked　underwear　in　the　bedroom；　food　left　out　of　the　refrigerator；　where　the　flies　could　get　at　it。　Why　were　those　habits　so　hard　for　men　to　change？　Why　couldn't　they　just　pick　things　up　and　put　them　away　in　their　proper　place？
　 Todd　was　still　talking　about　when　his　dream　had　begun。　He'd　decided　it　started　when　Burrows　put　him　under。　〃You're　not　serious？〃　she　told　him。
　 〃Absolutely。　All　this。。。〃　he　made　an　expansive　gesture　that　took　in　the　room　and　Tammy　〃。。。is　part　of　the　same　hallucination。〃
　 〃Me；　included？〃
　 〃Sure。〃
　 〃Todd；　you're　being　ridiculous。〃　Tammy　said。　〃You're　not　dreaming　this；　and　neither　am　I。　We're　awake。　We're　here。〃
　 〃Here；　I　don't　mind。〃　Todd　said；　looking　around　the　room。　〃I　can　take　being　here。　But　Tammy；　if　this　room　exists　then　so　does　all　that　shit　we　saw　up　at　Katya's　house。　And　I'm　not　ready　to　believe　in　that。〃　He　bit　his　nails　as　he　spoke；　pacing　the　floor。　〃You　saw　what　was　in　the　room？〃
　 〃Not　really。　I　mean　I　saw　the　man　who　killed　Zeffer…〃
　 〃And　the　ghosts。　You　saw　the　ghosts。〃
　 〃Yes；　I　saw　them。　And　worse。〃
　 〃And　you　believe　all　that's　real？〃
　 〃What's　the　alternative？〃
　 〃I've　told　you。　It's　all　just　some　hallucination　I'm　having。〃
　 〃I　think　I'd　know　if　I　was　having　an　hallucination。〃
　 〃Have　you　ever　done　LSD？　Really　good　LSD　Or　magic　mushrooms？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃See；　you　do　some　of　that　stuff　and　it's　like　you　never　look　at　the　real　world　the　same　way　again。　You　can　never　really　trust　it。　I　mean　it's　all　consensual　reality　anyhow；　right？〃
　 〃I　don't　know　what　the　hell　that　is。〃
　 〃It's　a　phrase　my　dealer　uses。　Jerome　Bunny　is　his　name。　He's　a　real　philosopher。　It　isn't　just　drugs　with　him；　it's　a　way　of　looking　at　the　world。　And　he　used　to　say　we　all　just　agree　on　what's　real；　for　convenience　sake。〃
　 〃I　still　don't　get　it；〃　Tammy　said　wearily。
　 〃Well　he　used　to　explain　it　better。〃
　 〃Anyway；　I　thought　you　didn't　do　drugs。　You　said　in　People　you　were　horrified　to　see　what　drugs　had　done　to　friends　of　yours。〃
　 〃Did　I　name　anyone？〃
　 〃Robert　Downey　Jr。　was　one。　'A　great　actor；'　you　said；　'killing　himself　for　the　highs；'　you　said。〃
　 〃Well　I　don't　fry　my　brains　every　night　like　Robert　did。　I　know　my　limits。　A　little　pot。　A　few　tabs　of　acid…〃　He　stopped；　looking　a　little　irritated。　〃Anyway；　I　don't　have　to　justify　myself　to　you。〃
　 〃I　didn't　say　you　did。〃
　 〃Quoting　me…〃
　 〃Well　that's　what　you　said。〃
　 〃Well　it's　bullshit。　It's　his　life。　He　can　do　what　the　hell　he　likes　with　it。　Where　did　all　this　start　anyhow？〃
　 〃You　saying…〃
　 〃Oh　yeah；　we're　having　this　dream　together；　because　that　way　doesn't　exist。　Can't　exist。　It's　all　something　invented。　I　mean；　how　can　any　of　that　be　real？〃
　 〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Tammy　flatly。　〃But　whatever　you　say　about　dreams　or　consenting　reality　or　whatever　it　was：　that　place　is　real；　Todd。　It's　up　there　in　the　hills　right　now。　And　she's　there　too。　And　she's　planning　her　next　move。〃
　 〃You　sound　very　sure。〃　He　was　studying　his　reflection　in　the　mirror　of　the　dresser　as　he　talked　to　her。
　 〃I　am　sure。　She's　not　going　to　let　go　of　you。　She'll　find　a　way　to　get　you　back。〃
　 〃Look　at　me；〃　he　said。　〃I　think　you　look　fine。〃
　 〃I'm　a　mess。　Burrows　fucked　it　all　up。〃　His　hands　went　up　to　his　face。　〃It's　gotta　be　a　dream。。。〃　he　said；　returning　to　his　old　theme。　〃I　can't　look　like　this　in　the　real　world。〃
　 〃I　do；〃　Tammy　said；　considering　her　own　unhappy　reflection。　〃I　look　like　this。〃　She　pinched　herself。　〃I'm　real；〃　she　said。　〃Yeah？〃　he　said　softly。
　 〃I　know　who　I　am。　I　know　how　I　got　here；　where　I　came　from；　where　my　husband　works。〃
　 〃Your　husband？〃
　 〃Yes；　my　husband。　Why？　Are　you　surprised　a　woman　with　my　dress　size　has　got　a　husband？　Well；　I　have。　His　name's　Arnie；　and　he　works　at　Sacramento　Airport。　And　you　don't　know　anything　about　him；　do　you？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃So　you　can't　have　dreamed　him；　can　you？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃See？　That's　my　life。　My　problem。〃
　 〃Why's　it　a　problem？〃
　 〃Because　he　drinks　too　much　and　he　doesn't　love　me　and　he's　having　an　affair　with　this　woman　who　works　at　the　FedEx　office。〃
　 〃No　shit。　Is　he　the　violent　type？〃
　 〃He　would　be　if　I　let　him。〃
　 〃But　you　don't。〃
　 〃I　fractured　one　of　his　ribs　the　last　time　he　tried　something　stupid　like　that。　He　was　drunk。　But　that's　no　excuse。〃
　 〃So　why　do　you　stay　with　him？〃
　 〃You　really　want　to　know？〃
　 〃Yeah。〃
　 〃Sound　like　you　mean　it。〃
　 〃I　mean　it。〃
　 〃If　I　tell　you；　you've　got　to　promise　me　one　thing。〃
　 〃What's　that？〃
　 〃Promise　first。〃
　 〃Shit。　I　promise。　Scout's　honor。　Why'd　you　stay　with　him？〃
　 〃Because　being　alone　is　the　worst。　Especially　for　a　w