cb.coldheart canyon-第30部分

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er　features；　he　saw　her　retreat　from　her　beauty；　as　though　for　a　moment　the　performance　of　selfhood　was　too　much　for　her。　〃You　ask　me　a　question；〃　he　suggested。
　 Her　hand　dropped　away。　The　light　shone　out　of　her　face　again。　〃You　swear　you'll　answer　me　truthfully　if　I　do？〃
　 〃Sure。〃
　 〃Swear。〃
　 〃I　said　so。〃
　 〃Does　it　hurt　behind　the　bandages？〃
　 〃Oh。〃
　 〃You　said　you'd　answer　me。〃
　 〃I　know。　And　I　will。　It's　unfortable；　I'll　tell　you　that。　But　it　doesn't　really　hurt　anymore。　Not　like　it　used　to。　I　just　wish　I'd　never　messed　with　this。　I　mean；　why　couldn't　I　be　happy　the　way　I　was？〃
　 〃Because　nobody　is。　We're　always　looking　for　something　we　haven't　got。　If　we　weren't；　we　wouldn't　be　human。〃
　 〃Is　that　why　you　came　spying　on　me？〃　he　said；　matching　her　mischief　with　some　of　his　own。　〃Looking　for　something　you　haven't　got？〃
　 〃I'm　sorry。　It　was　rude　of　me：　watching　you；　I　mean。　Spying。　You've　as　much　right　to　your　privacy　as　I　have　to　mine。　And　it's　hard　to　protect　yourself　sometimes。　You　don't　know　who's　a　friend　and　who's　not。　That　can　make　you　crazy。〃　Her　eyes　flashed；　and　the　playfulness　was　back。　〃Then　again；　sometimes　it's　good　to　be　crazy。〃
　 〃Yes？〃
　 〃Oh　sure。　Sometimes　it's　the　only　thing　keeps　you　sane。〃
　 〃You're　obviously　talking　from　experience。〃
　 〃Of　getting　crazy　once　in　a　while？　Sure。　I'm　talking　from　intimate　experience。〃
　 〃Care　to　give　me　an　example？〃
　 〃You　don't　want　to　know。　Really　you　don't。　Some　of　the　things　I've　done　in　this　very　room。。。〃
　 〃Tell　me。〃
　 〃I　wouldn't　know　where　to　begin。〃
　 Her　gaze　flitted　off　around　the　room；　as　though　she　was　looking　for　some　cue　for　her　memories。　If　it　was　an　act；　it　was　a　very　good　one。　In　fact　this　whole　performance　was　looking　better　and　better。
　 Finally；　she　said：　〃We　used　to　play　poker　here。　Sometimes　roulette。〃
　 〃Marco　and　I　figured　that　out。〃
　 〃Sometimes；〃　she　said；　her　gaze　returning　to　him；　〃I　was　the　prize。〃
　 〃You？〃
　 〃Me。〃
　 〃I　don't　think　I　understand。〃
　 〃You　understand　perfectly　well。〃
　 〃You'd　give　yourself　to　the　winner？〃
　 〃See？　You　understood。　I　didn't　do　it　every　night。　I'm　not　that　much　of　a　slut。〃　She　was　smiling　as　she　spoke；　lapping　up　his　disbelief。　She　began　to　walk　towards　him；　slowly；　matching　her　approach　to　the　rhythm　of　her　words。　〃But　on　the　nights　when　you　need　to　be　crazy…〃
　 〃What　did　you　give　them？　A　kiss！〃
　 〃Pah！　A　kiss！　As　if　I'd　be　satisfied　with　so　little。　No！　Down　on　the　floor　in　front　of　the　losers；　that's　what　I'd　give　them。　Like　dogs；　if　we　felt　like　it。〃
　 The　way　she　stared　at　the　ground　as　she　spoke；　it　was　clear　she　was　remembering　something　very　specific。　The　subtlest　of　motions　went　through　her；　as　though　her　body　was　recalling　the　sensation　of　pressing　back　against　a　man；　to　take　him；　all　of　him；　inside　her。
　 〃Supposing　somebody　won　that　you　didn't　like？〃
　 〃There　was　no　such　man。　Not　here；　in　my　house。　They　were　all　gods。　Beautiful　men；　every　single　one。　Some　of　them　were　crude　at　first。　But　I　taught　them。〃　She　was　watching　Todd　closely　as　she　spoke；　measuring　his　response。　〃You　like　hearing　this？〃
　 He　nodded。　It　wasn't　quite　the　way　he'd　expected　this　conversation　to　go；　but　yes；　he　liked　her　confessions。　He　was　glad　his　pants　were　baggy；　now　that　she　was　so　close　to　him；　or　she'd　have　seen　for　herself　how　much　he　liked　them。
　 〃So　let　me　be　sure　I　got　this　right。　The　winner　would　fuck　you；　right　here　on　the　ground…〃
　 〃Not　on　the　bare　boards。　There　used　to　be　carpets。　Beautiful　Persian　carpets。　And　there　were　silk　cushions；　red　ones；　which　I　kept　in　a　heap　over　there。　I　like　to　make　love　amongst　cushions。　It's　like　being　held　in　somebody's　hand；　isn't　it？〃　She　opened　her　cupped　hand　in　front　to　demonstrate　the　fort　of　it。　〃In　God's　hand。〃
　 She　lifted　the　bed　of　her　palm　in　front　of　his　eyes；　and　then；　without　warning；　she　reached　out　and　touched　his　face。　He　felt　nothing　through　the　bandages；　but　he　had　the　illusion　that　her　hand　was　like　a　balm　upon　his　cheek；　cooling　his　raw　flesh。
　 〃Does　that　hurt？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃Do　you　want　me　to　go　on　telling　you？〃
　 〃Yes；　please。〃
　 〃You　want　to　hear　what　I　did。。。〃
　 〃。。。on　the　cushions。　Yes。　But　first；　I　want　to　know…〃
　 〃Who？〃
　 〃No；　not　who。　Why？〃
　 〃Why？　Lord　in　Heaven；　why　would　I　fuck？　Because　I　loved　it！　It　gave　me　pleasure。〃　She　leaned　closer　to　him；　still　stroking　his　cheek。　He　could　smell　her　throat　on　the　breath　she　exhaled。　The　air；　for　all　its　invisibility；　was　somehow　enriched　by　its　transport　into　her　and　out　again。　He　envied　the　men　who'd　taken　similar　liberties。　In　and　out；　in　and　out。　Wonderful。
　 〃I　love　to　have　a　man's　weight　bearing　down　on　me；〃　she　went　on。　〃To　be　pinned；　like　a　butterfly。　Open。　And　then；　when　he　thinks　he's　got　you　pletely　under　his　thumb；　roll　him　over　and　ride　him。〃　She　laughed。　〃I　wish　I　could　see　the　expression　on　your　face。〃
　 〃It's　not　pretty　under　there。〃　He　paused；　a　chilling　thought　on　his　lips。
　 〃The　answer's　no；〃　she　said。
　 〃The　answer　to　what？〃
　 〃Have　I　spied　on　you　while　your　bandages　were　being　changed？　No　I　haven't。〃
　 〃Good。〃　He　took　a　deep　breath；　wanting　to　direct　the　conversation　away　from　talk　of　what　was　behind　his　mask。　〃Go　back　to　the　game；〃　he　said。
　 〃Where　was　I？〃
　 〃Riding　the　lucky　sonofabitch。〃
　 〃Horses。　Dogs。　Monkeys。　Men　make　good　animals。　Women　too　sometimes。〃
　 〃Women　got　to　play？〃
　 〃Not　in　here。　I'm　very　old…fashioned　about　things　like　that。　In　Romania　a　woman　never　played　cards。〃
　 〃Romania。　That's　where　you're　from？〃
　 〃Yes。　A　little　village　called　Ravbac；　where　I　don't　think　any　woman　had　ever　had　pleasure　with　a　man。〃
　 〃Is　that　why　you　left？〃
　 〃One　of　many　reasons。　I　ran　away　when　I　was　barely　twelve。　Came　to　this　country　when　I　was　fifteen。　Made　my　first　picture　a　year　later。〃
　 〃What　was　it　called？〃
　 〃I　don't　want　to　talk　about　it。　It's　forgotten。〃
　 〃So　finish　telling　me…〃
　 〃…about　riding　the　men。　What　else　is　there　to　say？　It　was　the　best　game　in　the　world。　Especially　for　an　exhibitionist；　like　myself。　You　too。〃
　 〃What　about　me？〃
　 〃You've　done　it　in　front　of　people。　Surely。　Don't　tell　me　you　haven't。　I　won't　believe　you。〃
　 What　the　hell？　This　woman　had　him　all　figured　out。　Pinned。　Like　a　butterfly。　There　didn't　seem　to　be　much　purpose　in　denying　it。
　 〃Yes；　I've　had　a　few　public　moments　at　private　parties。〃
　 〃Are　you　good？〃
　 〃It　depends　on　the　girl。〃
　 She　smiled。　〃I　think　you'd　be　wonderful；　with　the　right　audience；〃　she　said。
　 Her　hand　dropped　from　his　cheek；　and　she　started　to　walk　back　across　the　room；　weaving　between　imaginary　obstacles　as　she　picked　up　her　erotic　tale。
　 〃Some　nights；　I　would　simply　walk　naked　amongst　the　tables　while　the　men　played。　They　weren't　allowed　to　look　at　me。　If　they　looked；　I　would　thrash　them。　And　I　mean　thrash。　I　had　a　whip　for　that。　I　still　have　it。　The　Teroarea。　The　Terror。　So。。。that　was　one　of　the　rules。　No　looking　at　the　prize；　no　matter　what　it　did　to　tempt　them。〃　She　laughed。　〃You　can　imagine；　I　had　a　hundred　ways。　Once　I　had　a　little　bell；　hooked　through　the　hood　of　my　clitoris。　Tinkling　as　I　walked。　Somebody　looked；　I　remember。　And　oh　they　suffered。〃
　 She　was　at　the　mantelpiece　now；　reaching　up　and　under　the　fireplace　and　took　a　long；　silver…handled　switch　from　its　hiding　place。　She　tested　it　on　the　air；　and　it　whined　like　a　vengeful　mosquito。　〃This　is　the　Teroarea。　I　had　it　made　by　a　man　in　Paris；　who　specialized　in　such　things。　My　name　is　chased　into　the　handle。〃　She　passed　her　thumb　over　the　letters：　〃Katya　Lupescu；　it　says。　Actually　it　says　more。　It　says：　'This　is　her　instrument；　to　make　fools　suffer。'　I　regret　having　that　written　there；　really。〃
　 〃Why？〃
　 〃Because　a　man　who　takes　pleasure　in　being　given　pain　is　not　a　fool。　He's　simply　following　his　instincts。　Where's　the　foolishness　in　that？〃
　 〃You're　big　on　pleasure；〃　Todd　said。
　 She　didn't　seem　to　understand　what　he　meant；　she　cocked　her　head；　puzzled。
　 〃You　talk　about　it　a　lot。〃
　 〃Twice　I've　mentioned　it；〃　she　said。　〃But　it's　been　in　my　mind　a　little　more　than　that。〃
　 〃Why？〃
　 〃Don't　be　coy；〃　she　said；　a　little　sternly。　〃Or　I'll　beat　you。〃
　 〃I　might　not　like　that。〃
　 〃Oh；　you　would。〃
　 〃Really。。。〃　he　said；　with　just　a　touch　of　anxiety　in　his　voice。　He　could　not　imagine　having　that　thing；　her　Terror；　give　him　pleasure；　however　expertly　it　was　wielded。
　 〃It　can　be　gentle；　if　I　want　it　to　be。〃
　 〃That？〃　he　said。　〃Gentle？〃
　 〃Oh　yes。〃　She　made　a　scooping　motion　with　her　free　hand。　If　I　have　a　man's　sex　in　my　palm；　here。〃　He　got　an　instant；　and　uncannily　sharp　picture　of　what　she　had　in　mind。　Her　victim　on　all　fours；　and　that　scooping　motion　of　hers；　the　taking　up　of　his　cock　and　balls；　ready　for　her。　pletely　vulnerable；　pletely　humiliated。　He'd　never　let　a　woman　do　anything　like　that　to　him；　however　much　she　promised　it　was　to　give　him　pleasure。
　 〃I　can　see　you're　not　convinced；〃　she　said；　〃even　when　I　don't　have　your　face　to　look　at。　So　you'll　just　have　to　take　it　on　trust。　I　could　touch　men　with　this　and　they'd　shoot　like　sixteen…year…olds。　Even　Valentino。〃
　 〃Valentino？〃
　 〃And　he　was　queer。〃
　 〃Rudolph　Valentino？〃
　 〃Yes。　You　didn't　know　he　was　that　way？〃
　 〃No；　it's　just。。。he's　been　dead　a　long　time。〃
　 〃Yes；　it　was　sad　to　lose　him　so　quickly；〃　she　said。
　 She　obviously　had　no　difficulty　agreeing　with　him　about　how　long　the　Great　Lover　had　been　deceased；　even　though　it　made　nonsense　of　her　story。
　 〃We　had　a　great　party　for　him；　out　on　the　lawn；　two　weeks　after　he'd　been　taken　from　us。〃　She　turned　away　from　him　and　laid　the　switch　back　on　the　mantelpiece。　〃I　know　you　don't　believe　a　word　of　what　I've　told　you。　You've　done　the　mathematics；　and　none　of　it's　remotely　possible。〃　She　leaned　on　the　mantelpiece；　her　chin　on　the　heel　of　her　hand。　〃What　have　you　decided？　That　I'm　some　kind　of　trespasser？　A　little　sexually　deranged　but　essentially　harmless？〃
　 〃I　suppose　something　like　that。〃
　 〃Hmm。〃　She　mused　on　this　for　a　moment。　Then　she　said：　〃You'll　change　your　mind；　eventually。　But　there's　no　hurry。　I've　waited　a　long　time　for　this。〃
　 〃This？〃
　 〃You。　Us。〃
　 She　left　the　thought　there　to　puzzle　him　a　moment；　then　she　turned；　the　dusting　of　melancholy　that　had　crept　into　her　voice　over　the　course　of　the　last　few　exchanges　brushed　away。　She　was　bright　again；　gleaming　with　harmless　trouble…making。
　 〃Have　you　ever　done　it　with　a　man？〃
　 〃Oh；　Jesus。〃
　 〃So　you　have！〃
　 He　was　caught。　There　was　no　use　denying　it。
　 〃Only。。。twice。　Or　three　times。〃
　 〃You　can't　remember。〃
　 〃Okay；　three　times。〃
　 〃Was　it　good？〃
　 〃I'll　never　do　it　again；　so　I　guess　that's　your　answer。〃
　 〃Why　are　you　so　sure？〃
　 〃There's　some　things　you　can　be　that　sure　of；〃　he　said。　Then；　a　little　less　confidently；　〃Aren't　there？〃
　 〃Even　men　who　aren't　queer　imagine　other　men　sometimes。　Yes？〃
　 〃Well。。。〃
　 〃Perhaps　you're　the　exception　to　the　rule。　Perhaps　you're　the　one　the　Canyon　isn't　going　to　touch。〃　She　started　to　walk　back　towards　him。　〃But　don't　be　too　certain。　It　takes　the　pleasure　out　of　things。　Maybe　you　should　let　a　woman　take　charge　for　a　while。〃
　 〃Are　we　talking　about　sex？〃
　 〃Valentino　swore　he　only　liked　men；　but　as　soon　as　I　took　charge。。。〃
　 〃Don't　tell　me。　He　was　lik